blowing off the dust

I was curious if this space was stll around. It is a little weird to go back and read the last couple of posts here because I was in such a bad place. It is funny how things have changed and I had no idea what life would really be like living with cancer. Things are a lot more normal than I expected. The kids have had so much joy and laughter this year and I have gotten to be present for all of it in a way I never would have before. I truly know my children and love the people that they are. It seemed that I always thought that pediatric cancer kids were these pitiful children who lived in saddness and pain. Maybe that is true for some but it certainly isn't for us. Elijah can go from getting chemo to running, jumping, and terrorizing his sister within seconds. He is not nearly as bothered by treatments as we are. Elijah doesn't live that differently than a lot of 4 year olds. He isn't in preschool because we chose not to send him but he is no longer restrictied from going. Even wedn't live in the constant fear we lived in a year ago but every once in awhile we are smacked into the graveness of this world. Those times are hard and I still don't have a great outlet for the emotions that come in those dark times. Thankfully those times seem far away right now as we go to swim lessons, Kumon, play groups, and normal everyday life.

Anyway it seems this place still exsists and I may write in it every once in awhile. I am not making any promises though.

Dismissed

Tonight I got a message from an old "friend" on Facebook and it just irritated me so much. I have been in contact with her as well as the rest of the group of friends from college since Elijah's diagnoses and so you would think she would be in the know, so to say. So she sent me a message saying I just saw the picture of you that says cancer sucks is that your little boy? (elijah?) I'm sorry. Oh and I see you have a daughter now, she is cute.

WTF! Our kids have played together and we used to have lunch together once a month and you can't even be bothered to know what his name is. First why not f***ing look at my page and see what is going on before you message me. Second I sent an email to you specifically saying I couldn't go to your event because of Elijah's chemo and treatments. If you have cared so little up to now why bother writing to me now. I don't take your letter as genuine concern, instead it just irritates me. So yes my son, whom you know and is the same age as your daughter, has cancer. Yes I have a daughter who you haven't bothered to know and will never know now. She is more than cute, she is my blessing. Why don't you just crawl back into the self righteous, self important cave you have been living in and stay the hell out of my life. I am done!

Normal Life

Since Elijah was diagnosed I have heard a lot of people, including myself and other cancer parents longing for a normal life. Today it finally occurred to, why? Why in the world would I now want a normal life for my son? When I was in school did I strive for a C, no I wanted the A. I don't want a normal life for my children, I want an extraordinary life for them. The reality is their lives can't be normal, but that doesn't mean I have to allow the circumstances to give them less. In so many ways we are learning that we have incredible people in our lives and that we are more than ordinarily blessed. I think that solely striving for normal cheats everyone. I want my kids to know joy and laughter. To see beauty and love. To be able to face hard times with courage and strength. I want them to believe in themselves, and to know that both of their parents believe in them too. To solely strive for normal, misses the mark that I want in so many ways.

This week we had to make a very hard decision in the future of Elijah's care. The picc line that we had in his left arm fell out the other day in the hospital. Elijah needs some sort of central line to give him all of his treatment. There are several options for this and we had to decide which one was the best. Each option had strong points and weak points and we needed to evaluate that with what is best for Elijah. Ultimately Brad and I decided he would get a port o cath. The advantages to this is that there is nothing external sticking out of him that we have to take care of and keep dry. It also is less prone to infections. The down side is that it has to be accessed with a needle each time it is used. This is where we struggled to deal with normal. We worried that he may be abnormally bothered by the needle pokes. I kept weighing back and forth with what I thought a normal reaction should be to being poked with a needle. Then it hit me, normal kids hate getting shots and they react from it. So many times I sat in the pediatrician's office and listened to the wailing and screaming of "normal" kids getting vaccines. I already knew that Elijah handled getting shots and vaccines better than most kids his age. With this knowledge I have to believe that he will do ok, eventually with the needle accessing his port. The rest of the advantages allow Elijah to get back to striving for an extraordinary life, not restricted by tubes dangling from him as a constant reminder he is sick. We may be wrong in our decision, we may never know, but right now I am confident in our decision. This is just one more step in the path we choose for our son.

Screaming in an empty forest through a megaphone

Ok so I came up with this title a couple days ago and at the time I was alone here, so please no disrespect meant to you P as I know you are hearing my rants. It is funny though that I have chosen to write here again knowing that really no one is checking here. I guess the reality of my situation is that I really need to vent and just get everything out being heard isn't nearly as important. It has been a bad couple of days around here, and considering our new baseline for bad days you can guess they have been really bad. We don't seem to be getting anywhere with Elijah's fever and hospital life is frustrate g at best. We have had a string of not very good nurses and problems escalating. Yesterday after a day of the nurses not listening to me say there was a problem with his picc line Elijah rolled over and his entire picc line came out and dropped on the floor. Let the drama really begin, because he didn't have a picc line they needed to start an iv, the nurse couldn't do it in his left arm so instead they put it in his right hand and then splitted his whole hand. Yes take a three year old and completely immobilize their dominate hand and see how that goes. All night long Elijah moaned and whimpered and curled into the fetal position. By 5 am the iv was beeping every 2 minutes that it was occluded. They try to change the dressing to see if that will help. Two minutes later it is beeping again. By now the good day nurse is on as well as our resident. They discuss it and finally decide to pull the iv and give Elijah a little drug break. But they will have to put the iv back in an hour for his next antibiotics, and they will have to draw labs separately for the level of antibiotics in his blood. Just in the nick of time the residents and our oncologist do rounds. The Oncologist decides to keep Elijah off of everything. In the short time Elijah has been cord free he has been happy, he has started eating. He has improved so greatly it makes you wonder why we are here in the first place. All the drugs and intervention aren't helping him any. Perhaps just leaving him alone to heal on his own from this infection is the best course.

Living in the spot light

I am just a mom, I am not that special, talented, or unique. I like a lot of Moms am just trying to get through the day. Some days I can look at my kids peacefully asleep and think, today I was a good mom. More often though I think of how I came up short, missed things, or just didn't give them enough of my attention. I don't think that any of this makes me any different than most moms out there, we all struggle but we still love our jobs most of the time. Last month though my world changed. My 3 year old was pale so I took him to the doctor, thinking I was over reacting. They then sent me to the ER and by the end of the day I was told my son had Leukemia. So now I am a cancer mom. Let me assure you that the new title did not come with a cape. I am not a super hero, I don't have all the answers, and I am not now a better mom than anyone else. I am still just a mom, it is just I have some different problems to navigate my kids through. So please don't look at me with awe, don't treat me like I am the center ring at the freak show. Don't assume that I am handling things any better than anyone else would, because I am not sure I am. I now more than ever second guess every decision or choice I make and if I screw up we are back at the hospital. It is a lot of pressure and due to that I can't always meet every ones expectations of me. So don't expect much because I can't deliver.

I am dealing. I don't have a lot of choices in this because both my kids need me. My daughter is only 8 months old and she is being cheated. I can't be there for her like I want to be. I had to wean her and start her on formula because I can't nurse her and run my son back and forth for treatments. Something had to give and right now she is the one to always get the short stick. I am dealing with the guilt from this. So when I get out of the house without my kids, it is because I am taking a break. Give me a little space, I know you feel like you need to say something to me because we are going through a lot, but you don't. Really it is ok, just pretend you didn't see me. If you really can't help yourself and you have to say something to me, just say you are thinking of us and then walk away. It isn't that I don't appreciate the sentiment because really I do, I just would prefer to be emailed rather than cornered in a store. The thing is I am trying to clear my head sonI can get back to my kids and be a better Mom. I don't know what to say when people corner me, I get weird and babbly, and would rather chew off my arm than continue to fumble through an awkward conversation I am not prepared to be having.

I miss him already

In 48 hours I will be at the hospital preparing to have my baby girl. As excited as I am to have her I am also a little sad, Elijah can not visit us in the hospital. Since I will be having a repeat c-section that means up to 4 days of being in the hospital and I have never been away from him that long. I know he will be ok with all his grandparents watching over him but still I can't imagine not seeing him all that time. I know I am going to cry on the way to the hospital. I guess part of the thing is that I know we are turning his world upside down and I am just leaving someone else to deal with it.

I am also over flowing with emotion right now so I guess it is easy for me to stress. Not only am I nine months pregnant but today is the third anniversary of my Dad's passing. I wouldn't want to be a person to get on my bad side today that is for sure. The good news is with me having the baby on Tuesday the whole family is here today to celebrate my Dad's life. He was an amazing man and I was lucky to have had him in my life for as long as I did. We will have BBQ spare ribs and potato salad in his honor tonight. So food will be plentiful and the stories will get loud.

Language

Elijah is talking more and more. I will say that this is a great thing for many reasons, and I look forward to hearing his crazy stories and posting them for all to see. The problem is that as his language develops he loses some of the really cute Elijah words. For the longest time all liquid was Woe. Last week he began asking for juice or Woe. That was still fine and I liked that he was being more specific with what he was asking for, but then yesterday he asked me for water. It broke my heart a little for his word to go away. Last night for dinner I made pizza. In Elijah that would always be Pia, last night though he said oh Pizza. Why oh why can't he learn more words before he loses his cute words? He is turning into a boy everyday and this is the first time I look at him and want to slow time.

I know it is good that he is growing up and becoming more independent, especially with his sister quickly coming, but I love his being a toddler and am a little sad to see him grow up. The thing is I am not really a baby person. I see the first year as a blob year and was so happy when Elijah started walking and playing. Yes I loved him dearly the first year and I will love his sister too, but now is the first time in Elijah's life that I want to keep him at this age just a little longer. On Monday he will turn 2 1/2, each day he becomes more fun to watch. His imagination as he plays cracks he up. As I am typing this he is on the floor playing with his plains flying them. He then goes and gets his little farm and Moo's as he opens the cow door. He is learning and I for one love it. Yes my house is littered with toys that he brings out and then abandons, to run to the next thing, but it is a small price to pay.

All this makes me a little nervous for when the baby comes. I love where we are with Elijah and am scared about starting all over. How will she fit into the mix, and will Elijah get lost in that. Will she get the special time and attention that I had for Elijah? Will Brad and I have time to be a couple with two kids? I know we will work all these things out, but I am nervous for the transition. I will also say I am nervous to leave Elijah while I am in the hospital for almost a week. Yes his grandparents will all be there for him and will do a wonderful job with him, but he is my baby and I know I can't be there for him. I know I was just as nervous about how our lives were changing when I was pregnant with Elijah and now I wouldn't change anything, but still I worry. Since there are no answers that is all I can do for now.

Six weeks

So I have decided to shake some of the dust of this old blog and write a new post. Who knows if anyone is even reading this anymore. I can't believe how much has changed in my life since I started this blog. I have become engaged, married, pregnant, lost a father, become a new mom, raising a toddler, selling our first home, buying a new house, moving, getting pregnant, and now in the final weeks of pregnancy. Not to mention countless other jobs and life events that have been chronicled here. It is funny how this space could be so important but then be virtually ignored for so long. I have decided though that too much history is here to just let it fade away into nothing. So while I don't make any promises to being an active writer here I do want to still post from time to time.

Now I sit here and look at my life I am so often in shock. I am a very lucky woman to have my family and friends. In 6 short weeks we will be the proud parents to 2 children, a boy and a girl. When I think about it I can't believe we have been so blessed. I had always believed that when I decided to get pregnant that I would have a hard time. I told myself that I would be ok with adopting if we couldn't have our own children. I don't know why I was so convinced that we would struggle but I was sure. When it came time to try to get pregnant, we went off the pill early than we originally planned because we were sure it could take a long time and I wasn't getting any younger. Much to my surprise we were pregnant right away and 42 weeks later our beautiful son entered the world. He is an amazing little guy and I can't imagine having a child more perfect to be a part of our family. He is everyday growing more and more. I often marvel at how we got such a perfect fit for us. We both knew we wanted to have another child to be E's sibling but agreed at first to wait until he was 1 1/2 to start trying so he would be over 2 when the next one was born. Then we realized that we wanted to buy a bigger house with a yard before we were pregnant again so we decided to wait. So many of our friends then got pregnant again and miscarried or struggled with pregnancy that I again worried that it would be difficult for us once we were ready. Boy was I wrong. We bought or house and moved in. Within the first two weeks of living here I was again pregnant. Unlike with Elijah I was sure there was no way I was pregnant so when I looked at the calendar and saw I was late I thought it was just the stress of moving. I took a test anyway before I threw a party for Brad's birthday just incase. I was completely shocked when the test said as clear as can be pregnant. As excited as I was I was also in shock, I hadn't really prepared myself mentally to be pregnant again so it took a little time for it all to sink in. After watching so many of our friends struggle though I was much more worried this time than I was with E. It was a great relief to have early testings to ease my mind that the baby was doing well and that it was going to be a girl. The beginning of the pregnancy flew by. Everything was happening so much faster than it did with E. Then the third trimester hit. These last few weeks are dragging! I can't wait to meet my little girl and cuddle her. I can't wait to not be pregnant. I am thankful though that we aren't a species like an elephant with a really long gestation, I think I would go completely nuts.

Well E is now awake from his nap and I haven't typed anything I originally meant to when I started this, and worse than that I no longer remember what I originally planned to say. Oh well chalk it up to pregnancy brain. If I remember later what the point of this was I will do a new post. See you later.

The Great House Saga

Several months ago Brad and I made a decision that we would look in ernest for a new house. We wanted to stay in the city we currently live in for several reasons including an excellent school district. We had naively thought that finding a new house would be easy because of all the foreclosed houses that were flooding the market. The truth is there are very few houses on the market right now and fewer still you would want to live in. What we have heard and I don't know if it is true everywhere but it seems like it may be true here is that the banks are holding onto foreclosed homes and slowly releasing them to keep from flooding the markets and devaluing homes. We also found that regular people were not selling their homes now and holding on hoping that the market will get better before they sell. So with excitement and naive notions we began looking at houses. There were a lot of things we just didn't know about buying a house in this market and probably should have done a little more research to be better prepared. I looked at a couple of houses without Brad and they were cute but not right for us. Then Brad and I went to look at houses together. The first weekend we went we saw a house that we both loved and so we put in an offer. That is when we learned the first lesson, a short sale does not mean it will be handled quickly. It means that the bank will accept being shorted the money they are currently owed. As nobody, especially banks likes losing money it takes them a very long time to evaluate their options to make sure that they are not losing more than they have to. We put in an offer on the house April 6th and held our breath sure that we would be told we had the house any moment. That meant we had to get our townhouse ready to be sold. We were fairly certain it would sell fast as all the other units in our complex had. We started packing things up and putting them into storage, and had a handy man come and do some little fix it up things to make our house look better. Our realtor wanted us to list right away but we were nervous to sell if we had not heard back anything on the short sale house. Our realtor had scheduled a showing in the meantime and we felt bad backing out at the last minute so we let the people come and look at our house. They came and viewed the house and then we didn't really hear anything from them again. Honestly we were a little relieved as we were really not ready to sell yet. A month went by and we still had not heard anything on the short sale. We continued to look at all the new listings when they came up but honestly there was nothing we wanted that we could afford so we continued to wait on the short sale. Surely any minute they would let us know. Then it was suggested that we sell our place to the couple that had viewed it that day a month ago without putting it on the market for a long escrow. It would give us time to wait out the short sale or find another house. Further it meant that we would not have to try to keep the house spotless with a crazed toddler running around trying to destroy the house at any moment. The headache that alone would save was worth going ahead a selling to them.

So now we have a date that we have to move by and still had not heard on the short sale. This scared the living hell out of us so we stepped up house hunting into full gear. I was seeing every house that came on to the market the minute I got the listing. This meant that I would be viewing houses while Brad was at work and I would have to take Elijah with me. Thank God I have an Ergo baby carrier! At each house I would put Elijah into the Ergo on my back and would go check out the house. This saved me from having to chase E through someone's home or try to keep him from breaking things. Some of the houses were plain gross and I was glad that he was safely on my back and could not get sick from the filth and germs that festered there. Then while Brad was out of town I saw a house that was foreclosed. It was a good sized house with large bedrooms and bathrooms. We would have to act fast if we wanted the house. So we put in an offer before Brad had even seen it. Later when Brad returned we went back to look at the house. Looking a second time I saw things I hadn't noticed the first time in my haste to buy a house. The kitchen was small and there was no place to put a table. The house did have a lot potential but it would take a long time before we could make the improvements we wanted and so would have to live in it until we could. I began having second thoughts about it but soon it seemed as though it didn't matter because they gave the house to someone else. I was irritated by this but also relieved. Then they came back to us and said they would like to counter our offer s well as some others. We went ahead and accepted the counter knowing that we still may not get the house. Then there was a new listing for a house that was everything we had said we wanted except that it was on a semi busy street. We put in an offer and hoped for the best. Then the foreclosed home came back and said we could have the house. The thing was by this time I think we both knew we didn't really want that house. So while we were scared we backed out of that house and waited on either of the other two. The new house was being sold by real people and if that went through it would be a lot easier in the long run. The problem was they wanted 12 days to gather all the offers and then respond. While we hated this we had no choice.

This Thursday night 2 days before we were promised an answer Brad and I went on our weekly date night. We decided since it was not a black out day we would go to Disneyland with our season pass. We went to California Adventure first and then when it closed we went to DIsneyland. The fireworks were about to start so we went to a restaurant near the castle and got food and headed outside to watch the fireworks from the patio tables. As we looked for a table Brad got a phone call. Our realtor told us if we accepted the counter offer the house would be ours. Brad told me the news that we would get the house and as he finished the sentence the fireworks began to erupt. It was an absolutely incredible moment that we could not have try to create. I got tears in my eyes at that moment.

Friday morning we were to go to the new house and look it over one more time to make sure it really was the house we wanted. We walked through the house and were overjoyed to know it was ours. We agreed that this was indeed definitely "the House" and Brad signed the agreement. So after much stress and drama in less than 45 days we will have our new house. Almost three months after we put in the offer on the short sale house we have still not heard if we would get the house. I wonder if we will ever hear about it at this point.

House Hunting

So I know I have been absent for a long time and I am pretty sure no one is really checking here anymore but incase anyone is still stopping by I thought I would post a little bit about why I have not been around much. For over two months now we have been actively looking for a new house. It is time that we live in a house that doesn't share any walls with someone else and has at least a little yard. To say that this has been frustrating would be a total understatement. We now know more about how real estate works or doesn't than I ever thought possible. We put an offer on a short sale house 2 months ago and are still waiting on an answer. I will tell more about this whole process when we finally have an answer but for now I will say if you are thinking about buying a house and it is a short sale run in the other direction! It is so frustrating and the process just drags on and on. In the meantime we have continued to look at other houses. Nothing is on the market now and so when something does finally turn up 20 people descend upon in and get into an all out bidding war. It is awful. A couple of weeks ago we found another house that we liked that was bank owned. We submitted a very good offer over asking price and yet we weren't even countered and it went to someone else. All told it ended up with over 10 offers. Hopefully soon we will have found a house and had an accepted offer, but in the meantime I am spending a lot of time looking at houses and preparing to move. We had no idea this was going to be so hard, but we are slowly making it through this.

Now You Know why I am insane.

Eureka
Originally uploaded by The Eye of Brad.

This is a picture of my Mom. If you came from this you would be crazy too.


This is what happens when Gramma's spend time with their grandkids and spoiling them rotten. My niece had a lot of fun at my Mom's expense. Anyway happy Mother's Day Mom you always said we were driving you crazy it looks like you finally arrived. I love you .

I am in a funk

I guess it is really no secret that this blog has all but died recently. I feel like I have nothing really interesting to share anymore. I am now a Mom and I feel like there is so little else to me. I used to have some original thoughts but lately I just feel so empty. I am trying this year to discover who I am again and not just Elijah's Mommy. So to help with this I am going to start actually using my YMCA membership and leave E in the childcare for an hour a day while I exercise, listen to music and regroup. I am not trying to whine here because I really do love being with Elijah and getting to stay home with him but I realized that without some me time I am a lousy wife and mother and we need a little more balance. Yesterday I let Brad watch E all day and I took a personal day and read a book from cover to cover. I still helped out when necessary but for the most part Brad was in charge while I got time to sit and read. It was wonderful and Brad handled the day great. I read the book Marley and Me, because I know there is very little chance of getting away to see the movie and I generally enjoy books more anyway. The story definitely had some very sad parts but overall I think it was a beautiful story that anyone who has ever loved a pet can relate too. I also had fun watching Brad try to dodge the flying legos, balls and other various hard things that Elijah has learned to throw lately. I don't think Brad knew what constant danger my life is in now that E has figured out that things fly through the air. The other day E threw a hard plastic ball right at my eye and it bruised a little, thankfully the bruise was gone by morning because I really didn't want to explain how my 15 month old gave me a black eye.

We made it through the holidays and I think we are still intact. We had some major news on Christmas day that was thrilling and sad at the same time. I am going to finally be a biological aunt. I am so happy for my brother and my soon to be sister in law but so sad that he didn't get to tell my Dad. While I am still angry and bitter that Dad never got to meet Elijah I got to tell him that Elijah was coming and feel his excitement and joy over the news. I never thought about how big a deal that really was until I realized that Nick will never have that moment and my heart breaks for him. My Mom is overjoyed at the news but again is so sad that my Dad is missing this. That being said I can't wait to be an aunt and for E to have a cousin close in age to him. Next month my brother will get married and I am so happy for him. I think I am going to go to the 99 cent store and see if I can find some shot guns for the wedding. It is only funny because they have been planning to get married for quite awhile but everything just now fell into place so they could. It just so happens that she got pregnant first.

Ok well now I am rambling and really don't have anything else to say. Hopefully I will be able to feel more of myself again soon and will therefore have something to share here again. I wouldn't hold my breath though if I were you.

Meme stolen shamelessly

I stole this from tysgirl, yep I am a big thief.

1. My uncle once caught me: throwing a rock through a window. I still believe that it wasn't me though.

2. Never in my life have I been: talked into doing drugs

3. When I was five: I was shy and afraid everyone would find out how stupid I was.

4. High school was: A very long time ago

5. I will never forget: The love my Dad had for me.

6. Once I met: Cuba Gooding Jr. He said I was cute, I will always love him for that.

7. There’s this boy I know: That is napping peacefully in his pack and play

8. Once, at a bar: I gave a guy the name and phone number of a girl I was mad at saying I was her so he would call her house and bug her all the time.

9. By noon: I am ready for a nap and so is the boy.

10. Last night I: rocked the boy and sang to him as he screamed in pain from the molars that are ripping through his gums.

11. If only I had: a big yard that the boy could play in.

12. Next time I go to church: someone is probably getting married.

13. What worries me most is: that I am not making good choices for E.

14. When I turn my head left: I see the kitchen

15. When I turn my head right: I see Elijah now awake and sitting on the couch.

16. You know I’m lying when: I say that I love how everyone else in the free world drives.

17. What I miss most about the Eighties: the carefreeness of being a kid.

18. If I were a character in Shakespeare: I would be insane.

19. By this time next year: I will probably be pregnant again.

20. A better name for me would be: bitch

21. I have a hard time: answering this question

22. If I ever go back to school: I would have to really want it.

23. You know I like you if: I tease you shamelessly

24. If I ever won an award, the first person I would thank: all the little people who made this award possible.

25. Take my advice: Live with joy.

Being a Grown Up

Today we spent the day going to birthday parties for a 1 year old and a 3 year old. We had lots of fun and it was neat to spend the day with lots of friends. Somewhere during the day I realized that I am indeed a grown up. Parties mean a different thing now them they did in the past and it got me thinking of the things in my life that tell me I am indeed a grown up. I thought I would make a list and put it up here.

First though I want to tell a story but I don't know how to fit it in to the rest of the post so it will oddly sit here for now I guess. When Brad and I got back from our honeymoon we stayed at my parents house for a few more days before we returned home. On night my Dad and I were sitting on the patio talking. He asked me what I thought of married life so far. I said "It feels a bit like we are playing house, saying my husband this or that, it just doesn't feel quite real. It all seems too exciting or playful to be real." My Dad looked at me and said something I think I will never forget "Karin a really good marriage will always at times feel like that way, that is how you know it is worth working at." It struck me as so odd that he too still felt like a kid playing make believe that wasn't ready to grow up. I also saw how much he loved my Mom. Anyway I am not really sure how it fits the rest of the post but it is something I was thinking about.

What I know as a grown up I didn't know as a kid:

1. I know what it is to choose love and not just love someone because they are family. I don't think before I met Brad that I really understood what it was to truly love someone for who they are.

2. I know what it is like to lose someone that you love so much that it is like losing apart of yourself. I also know that a time doesn't make you stop missing them.

3. I know what it is to take pride in the accomplishments of someone that isn't me not just be happy for them.

4. Giving is better than receiving. The look on the face of the receiver is way more gratifying than any gift I have ever been given.

5. Words do hurt, often leaving scars much more damaging than sticks or stones could ever cause.

6. To every choice there is a consequence and often the price isn't worth it.

7. It is the small things every day that you really remember and not the big event days that you make such a big deal of.

8. True friends like you for who you are and not what you can do for them.

9. Anything worth having takes work.

10. Liking yourself is more important than people liking you.

11. Driving somewhere pretty is an adventure and doesn't need a destination to be fun.

12. Having a sibling is the best gift to receive, they understand things that no one else will ever comprehend about you.

13. The unconditional love and trust of a child is magical and should not be taken for granted.

14. Seeing a parent in pain is far worse than any pain I have ever felt.

15. Someone knowing what is important to you and fighting for it for you, without you ever saying a word, will take your breath away.

16. Laying in bed together as a family in the morning having tickle fights is often the best part of the day.

17. Every day starts new and you have a chance to do everything better than you did before.

18. Sometimes the right choice hurts to much to face right now.

19. Relationships take a lot of nurturing to survive. If you don't take care of them they fade away.

20.I was and am very lucky to have the family I had and now to have the family I have made.

Accomplishments

So this weekend Elijah worked very hard to do this. It won't be long until I am chasing this boy all around.



Now so you don't think this came without a lot of failure we have a Montage of falls that occurred inbetween successes.



This is a light hearted fun post. Stay tuned for later in the week for a rant about past events that have come back to the light. Shouldn't say any more until things flush out a bit more. Don't worry though we are doing great.

Screw you NBC and Yahoo

Screw you NBC and Yahoo
Originally uploaded by kareeyore.

A big up yours is going out to NBC for their "Live" coverage of the Olympics. I turn on my computer to check my email while I watch the Olympics and every night through no fault of my own I am told the results of the big events of the Olympics. This would be one thing if NBC admitted to those of us on the West Coast that the coverage was not live but they don't. Continuously they say Live how is that possible if yahoo already has the results. Further I see no reason for the coverage to not be live here. I don't enjoy staying up until all hours of the night for events that could have and should have aired 3 hours earlier.

Anyway it is now 10:06pm PST and they are just now going to the swimming events that they are showing us "LIVE" So anyway SCREW YOU NBC I HOPE YOU GET A FLAMING CASE OF JOCK ITCH!

Now Yahoo SCREW YOU TOO you have no business posting the results before it airs nation wide.

(OK I shall get of my soapbox now)

Heavy hearted

I am not sure if the news I received today would have hit me as hard before I had Elijah but I know that now as a parent this completely broke my heart. There is a little boy who lives in our complex that we have known for years. Our neighbors before they move away son was this boys best friend. This boy was often behind our house and around so we knew him pretty well. He was a bit of a wild child and trouble seemed to follow him although he had a good heart and tried to do the right things. He just wasn't supervised well and was often left on his own. One Halloween he came to our door with his hand bandaged because he had tried to make himself a milk shake and lost several fingers on the blades of the blender. He was a happy kid though and from what we could tell his parents loved him wholly and were doing the best they knew how. I don't know how else to describe it other than that. Earlier this month the boys father took him on a road trip. The boy was asleep in the backseat and the father was driving and apparently fell asleep at the wheel and got in an accident and overturned the car. The little boy only 11 years old died instantly.

This poor little boy never really had a chance to live. I have been thinking about the choices we make in our lives and how they effect us. I am sure all of us at one time or another have driven when we were a little too tired just to make it a little further or to arrive a little earlier. Maybe we couldn't afford a hotel room, or maybe we were almost home, whatever the reason we continue to drive and never think about what could happen. I am sure that this father will for the rest of his life regret not stopping and resting. He can never undue that decision and has to live forever with a stupid choice he made. I am writing this here to hopefully remind everyone to think carefully about the decisions you make especially ones that put others at risk. A hotel room is a lot cheaper than a funeral.

Even though this was just a kid in the neighborhood that we knew and not one that we were very close too, I am so sad by this. I guess it is always sad when a child dies but when you know them it is so much worse.

How Mac won my heart forever

Last night as I was playing with my computer it froze up and then died. It would only get a white screen and I knew that wasn't good. So we made an appointment at a Apple store today and went to see what was wrong. It was probably one of the worse things that can happen to a computer complete hard drive failure. So they would have to replace the hard drive. Now normally this news would have reduced me to tears, all the pictures I have taken of E are solely on this computer, but you see this computer is backed up. Apple in their wisdom created a thing called time capsule that would back up your hard drive every day as long as it is hooked to an external hard drive. They make this even easier by selling a wireless router with a hard drive called the airport extreme time capsule. We have this so my computer is completely backed up. So they changed out the hard drive and we came home with my lap top. Brad hooked it up to the time capsule and two hours later my lap top was handed back to me as if nothing ever had happened. Even the wallpaper was how I left it. When I came to sign in here it had even replaced my cookies. What a relief to not have to remember all my sites and passwords and try to get everything back. While it sucks that my hard drive crashed it was all covered under warranty and so all this experience cost us was 5 bucks for parking near the Apple store. After this I have decided I will never go back to a pc again, it just isn't nearly as easy.

Stuff and other Stuff

Do you ever think I should post something but can't think of anything to post. So when that is how you feel how do you title the post? Today E is 8 months old. I can't believe how fast he is growing up. He is crawling all over the place and he pulls himself up to stand, well sort of he really only does that if he can pull on me, but he is still doing it on his own. If you happen to go by his website there is a new video of him on his little scooter. He is such a little cutie, not that I am biased at all.

Tonight Brad and I are going to the premiere of Kung Fu Panda at Mann's Chinese Theatre. I am excited to get to go and see the movie without the baby with us. I am not sure if the stars will be there or not but it is still a big deal. This is one of the perks Brad gets working for Dreamw*rks now. He didn't work on the movie but he is working on some future movies. He is very excited to show E movies he worked on that E will love. Brad brought home a Po doll and E is in love with it and drags it all around the room. Anyway if I see Brangelina I will post all about it tomorrow.

Because we have sort of baby proofed the living room the cat's are having problems. We put a gate up to keep E from falling down the stairs that we close when he is up and playing. The problem is the cat's won't jump over it to get to the other side where the litter box is. We forgot to open the gate back up the other night and so Z pooped in the middle of the floor in Brad's bathroom and peed on the floor of my bathroom. We cleaned it up and then yesterday during the day she pooped in Brad's bathroom again. If this happens again I will have to shut her in the basement during the day while E is up playing because we are not turning upstairs into a giant litter box. Nor do we want E to be the one to find one of Z's little presents. Let me be clear though both cat's can jump over the gate and crawl under the gate just won't do it. I don't know why.

It is pool season so here is some pool pictures of the boy. I got a waterproof case for the camera so hopefully we will get some cute underwater pictures soon.

Two Years Ago...

I married my best friend. We have packed a lot into these two years and everyday I know I love him a little more. I feel so lucky to have married a man who is so perfect for me. I can't imagine getting through this last year without him and his support. Two years ago today our marriage began and I think now that it was a very symbolic beginning. You see we had planned an outdoor wedding at my parents house and well when the wedding was scheduled to start it was not just raining it was a down pour with thunder and lightening. We ended up moving the ceremony into the house in the family room on the stairs between the kitchen and family room and had guest on all sides of us. It wasn't what I dreamed of when I pictured my wedding but it was still wonderful. Now I realize that it is how marriage is, you will never be living the perfect dream but with some work and flexibility it can still be wonderful. When the wedding was over and it was time for the reception we decided to just go for it and we headed outside. By then the major part of the storm had passed and it had minor showers for the rest of the night. We danced, ate, drank and had the time of our lives. It was something unpredictable but in the end it was right. Thanks Greenday for providing the perfect song to fit the day!