Friday, January 07, 2011

Living in the spot light

I am just a mom, I am not that special, talented, or unique. I like a lot of Moms am just trying to get through the day. Some days I can look at my kids peacefully asleep and think, today I was a good mom. More often though I think of how I came up short, missed things, or just didn't give them enough of my attention. I don't think that any of this makes me any different than most moms out there, we all struggle but we still love our jobs most of the time. Last month though my world changed. My 3 year old was pale so I took him to the doctor, thinking I was over reacting. They then sent me to the ER and by the end of the day I was told my son had Leukemia. So now I am a cancer mom. Let me assure you that the new title did not come with a cape. I am not a super hero, I don't have all the answers, and I am not now a better mom than anyone else. I am still just a mom, it is just I have some different problems to navigate my kids through. So please don't look at me with awe, don't treat me like I am the center ring at the freak show. Don't assume that I am handling things any better than anyone else would, because I am not sure I am. I now more than ever second guess every decision or choice I make and if I screw up we are back at the hospital. It is a lot of pressure and due to that I can't always meet every ones expectations of me. So don't expect much because I can't deliver.

I am dealing. I don't have a lot of choices in this because both my kids need me. My daughter is only 8 months old and she is being cheated. I can't be there for her like I want to be. I had to wean her and start her on formula because I can't nurse her and run my son back and forth for treatments. Something had to give and right now she is the one to always get the short stick. I am dealing with the guilt from this. So when I get out of the house without my kids, it is because I am taking a break. Give me a little space, I know you feel like you need to say something to me because we are going through a lot, but you don't. Really it is ok, just pretend you didn't see me. If you really can't help yourself and you have to say something to me, just say you are thinking of us and then walk away. It isn't that I don't appreciate the sentiment because really I do, I just would prefer to be emailed rather than cornered in a store. The thing is I am trying to clear my head sonI can get back to my kids and be a better Mom. I don't know what to say when people corner me, I get weird and babbly, and would rather chew off my arm than continue to fumble through an awkward conversation I am not prepared to be having.


mama biscuit said...

I won't say anything except that we love you and you are in our thoughts every single day.

AZPartyMamma said...

I will continue to keep the 4 of you in my prayers.