Rejection

Hopefully above is a stop motion movie I took of a recent sunset. If it isn't there what can I say oh well something else I suck at.

So part of why I have been absent from here is that I have been focusing my energy on finding a job. This is by no means an easy prospect for me. First it is admitting that I am not capable of making a go at my own business. This in and of itself was a hard blow to my ego. Then there is the whole process of scouring the job boards sending out resumes and going to interviews. I hate this more than I can ever describe. Some of you may have the mistaken impression that I am a confident person, this is not true. I fill out each application knowing that in every aspect of me that there is someone that can do it better. So I go and I fake being the confident person. I try to believe that I am the best for the job and that really I am the best qualified. Some times I pull it off and I see myself as good enough for the position. I feel like if I fooled me I should have fooled them too. I leave the interview and wait for the call to see if I am chosen. The phone never rings. I suck up all my courage secretly knowing if I have to call them I didn't get the job, but I call none the less, still trying not to get my hopes up. They answer and tell me "We decided to go with another candidate." I choke back tears and say quickly before they get the best of me thank you, and hang up. The rest of the day I will now spend analyzing everything. What was the reason, was I too fat, too stupid, too underqualified, too over qualified. Was I just not likeable, did I have something on my teeth? Did I try to hard, or not hard enough? All in all the questions come and the only real answer is that there is always someone better than me. So then this new question arises, how many better people are trying for the same jobs as I am before I am found good enough. Why does this whole process reduce me to the kid on the playground being the last picked for dodgeball? How do I continue this process when I feel more beaten by the day?

Beyond all this though there are the people that you tell you scored an interview that are rooting for you. Now that you once again were found wanting how do you face them and tell them you failed? I feel like crap and really talking about this is about the last thing I want to do, yet there are so many people that know, so I must put it out there.

So I have stayed away from here because quite frankly I feel like crap about myself and the knowledge that even here I am not good enough, smart enough, or clever enough to receive much feedback is more than my ego could handle. But right now I am feeling pretty low because truth be told this was the job I wanted and I know I was qualified for it. I know I would have been good at it. I know I wanted it more and that the person that got it only wanted a job and not this job. So my first thought was that I hope this person sucks at the job and that every day the manager kicks herself for choosing poorly. I know that is not the right way to feel but I can't help it. I need the encouragement of my little blog family, and I will try to forget how much better at this some of you are than me.

I do have other jobs that I have interview with or applied for that are still in the works and so in a couple of days this can all resolve and I will feel stupid for feeling so raw about it. But if any of you out there are hiring people please remember what it feels like to be the person applying. We would love feedback without chasing you down. We are vulnerable. We are taking some serious hits to our egos so be gentle with us. Don't ask for a lot of information form them if you don't plan to hire them. If you know in the interview you won't be hiring them let them know then so they aren't waiting for you.