A case of the Blahs

I am in kind of a weird mood. I am not unhappy in anyway but I wouldn't say I was happy right now either. I feel blah. I thought about posting something witty and creative but the truth is I am just not feeling it today. Brad is sick with a very minor flu bug, but of course that means the sky is falling. It is hard for me when he gets sick because we deal with it so very differently. My Mom was more of the type that would be, oh your sick, well you can miss school when you are dying but if you are going to live then go get dressed. Brad's family was more the type that if he feels sick he should stay home and rest so that he can heal. Really I am not sure which is better. I sometimes feel as though he makes a bigger deal out of a little sniffle than is necessary. He feels that I try to do to much and that I don't take proper care of myself. So what really happens is that one of us gets sick and both of us pay for it. It really isn't pretty.

I have been thinking back to some of the stupid stuff I did in the past. I wonder what on earth made me think about doing some of those things. Like why on earth would I pierce my nose when I am allergic to all the metals used in jewelry and can't even wear earrings. When that turned out horrible and wouldn't ever heel so it had to come out, why would I then go pierce my bellybutton. Once again it never healed and was very painful and had to be pulled out. I look at those things now and know that it was a sense of rebellion that I did them, but at the same time a wish to fit in somewhere. It seems like most of my youth was spent never quite fitting in. I wanted to be lots of things but I was never quite a right fit to who I wanted to fit in with. Even among the people that I hung out with that were my group of friends I never quite felt I belonged. Like I was forcing myself upon them. I think that this was in some way confirmed when I left school and none of them kept in contact with me. I am not saying this at all because I am throwing myself a pity party. I say this because at this stage in my life I no longer feel like I am standing on the edge trying to be apart of the action. I feel like the people in my life now are a part of it because they love me and not because I am trying to be who they want me to be. I am now old enough that I would never do something just to fit in. So in some ways I am grateful to the girl in me that went to such extreme measures to fit in because today I know that I like who I am, and that there are people who like me when I am living in my own truth.